Safety Net Alliance

A support community for the estranged, the abused, the outcasts.

recent posts

about

  • Built Different

    My story is nothing new or special. I’m not brave or courageous. I am just me.

    I was raised by fundamentalist Christians with a high degree of authoritarian parenting. They believed in spanking, but also using their kids as anger management. Boys were raised to be providers and women were raised to be wives and mothers. All children were raised with abuse that was encouraged by our religious community. Kids who did not behave like adults were hit and screamed at until they obeyed. And obedience was silence. No questions. No arguments. No complaints.

    I’ve accomplished a great deal. I can financially support myself and have enough leftover to donate to my favorite causes. I have a successful career. I give back to my community in many different ways. I have everything I need. I don’t have an addiction or any unsolvable problems in my life.

    And for my family of origin (my parents) – that will never be good enough. And I don’t care anymore. I am good enough for myself.

    Here’s all the things I wasn’t, that my parents expected of me:

    • A submissive wife
    • A mother
    • Straight
    • A member of “the one true church”
    • A stay-at-home mom
    • Uneducated
    • Domesticated

    I’m sure there are more. But you get the idea.

    Growing up, I often felt like a failure. The more different I started to be – the further I felt myself slipping into isolation. I tried so hard to impress my parents and gain their approval. As an adult, I am learning to celebrate and accept myself. I’ve always known who I was. By joining communities that accept and celebrate me, I have found happiness and peace.

    If you find yourself not having the characteristics that your parents expected – I’m here to say I accept you, love you, and celebrate you for exactly who you are.

  • Budgeting

    Realistically, the hard part isn’t the budget. It’s figuring out how to pay your bills in this economy. I can’t help you with that. But here is how you can track your expenses and track the income you have coming in.

    There are some budget tools out there. RIP Mint by Intuit.

    Expenses
    CompanyItemApproximate Amount
    Landlord LLCRent / Mortgage
    ComcastInternet
    Lights R OnElectricity
    City HydroWater Services
    VerizonPhone
    StateFarmCar Insurance / Transit
    Waste ManagementTrash Service
    Food & StuffGroceries
    Apple TV+Streaming Service / TV
    VariousEntertainment
    Expensive AF UniversityEducation
    Income
    Mediocre WorkplacePaycheck
    Totals
    =Paycheck – (sum(expenses))

  • Grounding Techniques

    Grounding techniques help you live in the moment, even when intrusive thoughts threaten your peace. Here are a few simple methods you can try:

    1. Focus on the Object: Pick something in your surroundings. Examine very detail: the colors, texture, size, shape, and any unique characteristics.
    2. Five Senses:
      • Name 5 things you can see
      • 4 things you can touch
      • 3 things you can hear
      • 2 things you can smell
      • 1 thing you can taste
    3. Literal Grounding: Place your feed flat on the floor, take a deep breath, and say to yourself, “I am in the present moment.”

    I’ll give it a try now with each technique:

    1. Focus on the object:
      • I am choosing the pencil cup in my office.
      • There are two pairs of scissors. I wonder who is missing their pair.
      • I see highlighters in pink, yellow, green, and blue.
      • There are two little drawers. I forgot I had so many post-it notes.
      • The cup isn’t so much as cup as a little desk organizer.
      • The organizer has a black metal mesh.
    2. Five Senses
      • 5 things I can see
        • The pencil cup
        • My keyboard
        • A reversible plushie
        • An empty cup
        • A notepad
      • 4 things I can touch
        • My fuzzy pajamas
        • The pleather of my office chair
        • The smooth wood finish on my desk
        • The edges of my phone case
      • 2 things I can smell
        • Not much, I’m stuffy!
        • Again, not really smelling anything now.
      • 1 thing I can taste
        • A hint of the last girl-scout cookie I ate
    3. Literal Grounding:
      • Okay, that one was weird. Maybe it’s better to say, “I am in the present moment” silently in my head.

  • Stress Scripting

    Anxiety is a daily meal for many of us. To make it more palatable, try out this technique.

    Let me give you an example:

    Scenario: Your boss puts an unexpected meeting on your calendar and you worry they might criticize you or your work.

    Mental Preparation: A grounding exercise before the meeting.

    “I am not a child anymore. My boss is not my parent. I can handle feedback without it defining my worth. Even if they criticize something I did, it does not mean I am bad or unworthy. I am capable of learning and adapting.”

    Possible scripts for the meeting:

    1. Response to criticism: “I hear what you’re saying. I want to improve. Can you clarify what you’d like to see done differently?”
    2. Response to overwhelming or unfair criticism: “I want to make sure I fully understand your concerns. Can we walk through specific examples together? That will help me know exactly what needs to change.”
    3. Response to boss venting their problems: “I hear you – it sounds really frustrating. Let me know if there is something specific I can do to help with this.”
    4. Response to a condescending tone: “I want to make sure we are on the same page. Can you clarify what specifically you would like changed?”
    5. Response to micromanagement: “I am happy to keep you updated, but also want to make sure I have the space to handle this effectively. Is there something about my work that is not meeting your expectations?

    In closing, encounters with authority figures can trigger deep fears of rejection, failure, or feeling “not good enough”. Stress scripting can help you prepare for the conversation in a way that helps you react with intention. By planning ahead, you can help prevent your wounded inner child from running the show.